The Tourist Family Movie: A Hilarious Misadventure

Family vacation movies are a genre unto themselves, often brimming with slapstick humor, heartwarming moments, and a healthy dose of relatable chaos. “The Tourist,” a 2010 film starring Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, is not one of those movies. However, let’s imagine there was a family-friendly, comedic take on the premise. What would that look like?

Picture this: The Millers, a perfectly ordinary (and slightly dysfunctional) family from Ohio, win an all-expenses-paid trip to Venice. Dad, Bob, is a perpetually stressed accountant. Mom, Susan, desperately seeks adventure. Teen daughter, Emily, is glued to her phone, yearning for better Wi-Fi. And little Timmy, well, he just wants gelato. Lots of gelato.

Arriving in Venice, their carefully planned itinerary immediately unravels. Bob’s meticulous spreadsheets are rendered useless by the labyrinthine streets. Susan’s attempts at romantic gondola rides are thwarted by Timmy’s seasickness and Emily’s insistent need to document everything for her social media. The family finds themselves accidentally embroiled in a case of mistaken identity, not involving international espionage, but a stolen, ridiculously oversized carnival mask worth an unexpected fortune.

The humor comes from the clash of their suburban normalcy with the outlandish Venetian setting. Bob tries to apply his accounting principles to haggling in the Rialto Market, leading to hilarious misunderstandings. Susan’s attempts to learn Italian result in embarrassing pronouncements that sound nothing like what she intended. Emily discovers the beauty of Venice… but only after her phone battery dies. And Timmy, in his quest for the perfect gelato, stumbles upon vital clues to the mask’s whereabouts.

The supposed “bad guys” chasing the Millers are less menacing and more bumbling. Think inept art thieves who are more concerned with their appearance than their criminal activities. Their plans are constantly foiled by the Millers’ accidental interference and sheer dumb luck.

Throughout their chaotic adventure, the Millers learn to embrace the unexpected and rediscover their connection as a family. Bob realizes he needs to loosen up. Susan finds the adventure she craved. Emily puts down her phone (occasionally). And Timmy? Well, he gets his gelato. In the end, they don’t recover the mask, but they do manage to return home with hilarious stories, embarrassing photos, and a renewed appreciation for each other, even with all their quirks.

A “Tourist” family movie would be a lighthearted, feel-good comedy that celebrates the joys and challenges of family travel. It would remind us that the best vacations are often the ones that go completely off the rails, creating memories that last a lifetime (and provide plenty of material for future family gatherings).